I am getting so depressed about the adoption. Our agency is down in Samoa trying to get to the bottom of this. I started thinking maybe if this referral fell through we would just go with another agency. Unfortunately there is no way we can afford to do this over again.

Sometimes I think Heavenly Father knows something I don't: that now is not a good time for us to go get the boys and bring them here. But if we dont do it now I don't think we ever will. It makes me really sad.

In July we have to pay for another homestudy update. We only have a portion of the travel money so we can't really afford that. I wonder if its going to cost way more than we can imagine.

We really truly did think this is what Heavenly Father wanted us to do. I don't want to be out two years of my life, and all this stress - this has been really hard on our marriage - and our money, just to help them out. And I know that sounds selfish.I want to do whatever Heavenly Father wants me to do but I am having a hard time wanting that.

I keep thinking about the women I know who got pregnant without charting and stuff, just letting go and trusting Heavenly Father. But it's so hard to do that .

What if we were supposed to adopt back then but because we didnt save up fast enough we missed that opportunity? Or something, I don't know. I'm very frustrated. I don't know. I hope we get an answer soon but I am afraid of what the answer is. I'm afraid it's no and we have accomplished nothing, and it has been so stressful. I'm even afraid it's yes and that I can't be a good mom.

I know Heavenly Father knows but I am having trouble relying solely on faith. If anything I am learning to be patient and rely on God. Or at least I am learning that to some degree. It's not coming easy but I'm trying harder than I was.
- posted by Adria @ 5:13 PM